Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday evening giggle

My friend Sarah just sent me this. It's silly, but I found myself laughing aloud more than once (although I won't mention which lines provoked such a response). It's aimed at those 25-35, apparently, but I wouldn't limit oneself if they fall outside the range.


> -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
> take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
> -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
> -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
> think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
> my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
> me.
> -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
> realize you're wrong.
> -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
> have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
> sticks when they've invented the lighter?
> -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
> going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
> be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
> direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
> check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
> yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
> crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
> -That's enough, Nickelback.
> -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
> -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
> feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
> not to be friends with?
> -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
> work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
> fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
> know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
> or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
> -There is a great need for sarcasm font.
> -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
> suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
> saw it.
> -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
> becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
> 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
> laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
> bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
> only one who really, really gets it.
> -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
> - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
> your computer history if you die.
> -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
> finish a text.
> - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
> spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
> - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
> - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
> - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
> test is absolutely petrifying.
> - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
> all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
> - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
> and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
> - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
> to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
> - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
> examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
> idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
> said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
> -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
> - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
> instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
> - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
> know how to get out of my neighborhood.
> - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
> person died.
> - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
> shower first and THEN turn on the water.
> -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
> and you can wear them forever.
> - I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu'
> to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
> overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
> -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
> - Bad decisions make good stories
> -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
> profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
> the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
> I do!
> - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
> -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
> would probably just be completely invisible.
> -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
> around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
> nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
> a problem....
> -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
> when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
> productive for the rest of the day.
> -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
> want to have to restart my collection.
> -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
> going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
> -I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
> if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
> swear I did not make any changes to.
> - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
> -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
> watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
> they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
> watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
> leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
> -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
> Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
> goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
> and run away?
> - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
> seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
> -When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
> hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
> internet stalking.
> -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
> then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
> -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
> speed for pedophiles...
> - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
> but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
> -Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
> not know what time it is.
> -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
> -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
> answer when they call.
> -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
> -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
> keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
> Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
> button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
> every time...
> -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
> happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
> -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and
> the link takes me to a video instead of text.
> -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
> drive behind obeys the speed limit.
> -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
> -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
> Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
> -The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
> they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
> someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
> about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
> eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
> myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
> before dinner.

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